Submission

My answers are probably going to have a lot of contradictions and inconsistencies. Defining me is still a work in progress. What I can say is that I find happiness in submitting to another. I already know my psyche is inclined to and happy performing service work, which is why I work in Human Services and do the job that I do.

Type of sub: definitely submissive in the bedroom/behind closed doors. I am not a bottom as I want an exchange of power with my dominant: I want to be submissive to a dominant. I'm not at the point in which I feel I can surrender total control to another person although the idea fascinates and attracks me. I was serious that in many other parts of my life I am in charge, she who must be obeyed. I will not give that up and frankly cannot see me giving up total control and power to another person. I have a strong independent streak in me which makes me surrendering total control difficult. I have a career and friends/relationships that exist outside of a D/s relationship and are very equitable. And, all that being said, there is something so pleasurable to me and in me serving someone else. I like being ordered to perform and doing what someone wants without hesitation or question. I can and will submit willingly. I just don't know if I can do something like this more than occasionally and outside of the bedroom/behind closed doors.

All that being said, I still want to be fucked in every way possible while also providing the pleasure and service my dominant demands. I know I am a masochist and can tolerate a great deal of pain. I love the inner/mental quiet that comes after being beaten. I liked serving sexual sadists in that they can and have taken me to places I only dreamed about with orgasms that blew my socks off just by remembering.

How committed am I as a submissive? First, see the initial paragraph. Much of my life and chosen career paths are service-oriented and I derive intense pleasure from serving. I can't imagine *not* wanting to continue to serve and, by transitive, not continuing to want to be submissive. Sure I can take charge with the best of people. In my past relationship, if she did not/would not make a decision, I'd make it for her/us. But it's not something I liked or really wanted to do. If anything I would have preferred greater equality in decision making and frankly would have appreciated her taking charge more often. In fact, when I'm not topped in a relationship, I will take charge. It's something that apparently is in my genes as my sisters seem to do the same thing and so does my mother. Even so, it is not a source of contentment for me to do so. Finally, even in my "vanilla" encounters, I seem to gravitate towards finding out what my partner wants and working to provide that.

my nephew, child of my heart

My nephew is 19. I love him dearly - he is the child I chose not to have and yet somehow ended up in my life anyway. Karma is that way - you think you squeak by and miss something and it ends up in your lap anyway.

Poor kid - he's got his grandfather's genes, his aunt's genes, and his father's genes. It's going to take a  while for him to grow up. Gods know that it took me and his grandfather long enough.

I had to do something that confuses me: take a side WITH my parents (and my sister, his mom) against him. Why? He's not doing a very good job of living up to his responsibilities which include complying with terms of probation and paying his fines and restitution. I have my own issues with my parents (they have theirs with me) yet we are united in caring for this punky kid who can be soooo annoying.

I can't begin to mention how weird it was to walk up my parent's sidewalk and into their house after five years. And seeing the look of disbelief on my nephew's face was difficult. I saw how on a fundamental level I betrayed him and yet I know that what I did was for his best interest. Cold comfort when you're sitting with a mad, rebellious kid trying to explain that his family cares about him enough to want to sit on him and help him, whether he thinks he wants it or not. And that's what we did.

He lost his cell phone, he lost internet access, he moved from my house to his grandparent's house. In return, his grandparents lost a huge portion of their privacy, had to rearrange their life to include him (e.g. make a room for sleep in), money to pay his fines & fees, and put up with his bad attitude. It took three "conferences" for him to understand why we did what we did. Turned out that I was rather helpful since it seems I speak his language and no one else does. However, he seems to understand that part of what we did was put him on a path to help himself.  He's re-enrolled in a program to get his high-school diploma (and is actually succeeding at that), he's working around the house helping out (even me - I got to "borrow" him to do lifting for me while I was getting household supplies), and will work on getting a job.

I got something else out of this, too. I got a chance to present myself as an adult to my parents. Maybe for the first time they saw who I am, not who I was (the 18 year old who moved out and was equally as annoying as the nephew). I got to let old crap go and see them as people, not parents or authoritarian figures. Somehow we got a chance to erase some old perceptions and maybe, just maybe, move forward in a relationship of adults not parents and children.

Halloween Party

Manea had another party on Saturday. These parties cannot be missed. They are amazing.

How so? For starters, there are a lot of people who attend. You can't NOT meet someone new at one or re-establish a connection with an old friend (or an online friend, a friend of a friend, someone you heard someone else refer to). And they are fun because it's potluck, BYOB, and kid and old-fart friendly (at least until 11pm). Because of that, even more people attend. Saturday's party was no exception: there was a lego room set up for kids to play in and kid-friendly movies to watch. People brought babies (lots of love for the kids) and got a chance to share time with family AND have adult conversation and contact. Even more fun was the fire spinners: Nathan spinning poi, Kim with fire fingers, and Jackie with the staff. Amazing stuff. Really amazing. There is something amazing about watching people spin fire to the really great drumming. And the photos - you get everything from stop-action to lovely curlicues from slower shutter speeds.

And then there's the after 11pm party.

At least for the two parties that I've attended, the later party is when things get, um, interesting.  The dungeon in the basement opens. And the "toys" come out, especially the treasure chest of condoms (very necessary).

I have enjoyed myself quite immodestly at both parties. Apparently and for reasons I don't know (and am not sweating to actually understand), I am attractive and popular and apparently sought as a sexual partner.

I love it. And it confuses me to no end. I mean, five years ago nothing like this would have happened and, even if it could, I would have run away because I was ashamed at how fat I was. But that is no more and here I am, saggy skin and all, enjoying myself.

kink, the follow up

Follow up to yesterday's post: I sent him an email telling him I was not going to see him any more and that I felt he had invalidated me by his reaction. His response: I agree. I wish you the best. So, there you have it and that's the end of that.

kink

Yeah, I'm into kink. Pretty much all kinds.

I know what I am and yes, it's a what.

I am your basic masochist, the one who enjoys pain (flogging, spanking, whipping), being bound and/or gagged, and generally used as someone else wishes. Yes I have my safe word, but I also have a high tolerance for just about anything (no, I'm not into anything involving non-consenting, underage, animals, or death). Masochism is defined as "the sexual pleasure or gratification of having pain or suffering inflicted upon the self, often consisting of sexual fantasies or urges for being beaten, humiliated. . . In the context of BDSM, bondage involves people being tied up or otherwise restrained for pleasure. " (see http://www.glossary.com/encyclopedia.php?q=Sadomasochism).

I am also a submissive in BDSM parlance. "D/s is often referred to as the "mental" side of BDSM. BDSM is any of a number of related patterns of human sexual behavior. The major subgroupings are described in the abbreviation "BDSM" itself: Bondage & Discipline (B&D), Domination & Submission (D&s), Sadism and Masochism (or sadomasochism) (S&M)." (see http://www.glossary.com/encyclopedia.php?q=Domination_%26_submission_%28BDSM%29)

Any questions? Read more at the above website.

I also like cutting. It's Piquerism, which is defined as "a paraphilia in which one finds pleasure in stabbing or cutting bodies with sharp objects. It is a form of sadomasochism...The most frequently targeted areas of the body are the breasts, buttocks, or groin" (see http://www.glossary.com/reference.php?q=Piquerism). Piquerism is a DSM-IV diagnosis and can be considered a psychosexual disorder. For me, I don't really care what it is, I just like receiving the cutting. It's such a delicate line to toe: the blade needs to be sharp enough to split the skin and the user skilled enough to slice skin without going deeper. It's a bond of trust between me and who cuts me. It is incredibly erotic. When done correctly, there is about as much pain involved as getting a tattoo. And probably less pain, depending on where the tattoo is located and/or where I'm getting cut.

I have a cutting on my leg. It's relatively simple: I <3 U. There's also the letters P.O.V., which means something to both of us and isn't something I want to share. I received it with both love and affection as well as extreme trust on both of our parts. The experience of receiving it was almost transcendental: it was erotic, frightening, empowering, and affirming. Receiving it almost brought me. There was no blood initially. Eventually the cut seeped some blood. It scabbed and is healing now. It isn't infected. It is not obvious, unless I have my pants off. It is a mark that may or may not be permanent, created by someone I love very much.

On Saturday I visited one of my loves. As we are wont to do, we started a BDSM scene. Much of my time was spent on my stomach, tied down. When I was untied, I was ordered onto my back. That's when he saw my cutting. He stopped everything and asked, "what is that?" I told him, knife/blade play. He told me he knew I had other loves and saw other people, but that this was a problem for him. He said things were over and to get dressed.

I got dressed.

Later, he told me that, as a healer, he didn't understand how people could intentionally hurt themselves or allow themselves to be hurt. He also said it was a button for him that he didn't realize existed. I reminded him that this was done with my full consent AND cooperation (truly necessary when working with sharp pointy things). I was confused and hurt. I also understood what he meant, but was also dealing with this abruptness and sudden change. After all, what is, really, the difference between my cutting and a tattoo or piercing? But, I am not good at figuring things out in the heat of the moment. The rest of my visit was spent (clothed) watching Babylon 5 and eating dinner.

Fast forward to Monday. I write on FB that I'm heart-sore. I talk through text, telephone, and IM with my love who gave me my cutting. Eventually I work through things using my feeling words to describe how I feel. And I discover that his actions were hurtful to me and invalidated me, my needs, and actions I take to satisfy them. Even though he later owned his issue, we remained casual and platonic for the rest of the visit. We didn't talk about the issue or the situation. This affirmed the invalidation I felt. Realizing this, I cried.

This hurts. A lot. And I don't know if I can continue to see someone who invalidates me this way. I had too much of that in my marriage. Since it ended so recently I can honestly say that I have a really low tolerance for invalidation. And, this situation is just too much.

So I sent a goodbye email. It included this phrase: I have signed up for consensual physical abuse with some, but not all of my lovers, but not non-consensual emotional abuse.

Journal 8/3/09


Feeling very insecure about the fact that I am beginning to seriously pursue buying a home. I don’t know how P will take the news, if I end up buying. I definitely get the idea that this is going to be the magic time. I am considering parts of town that P would ignore or discount. I admit I’m looking with an eye towards value, what I want in a house, plus room for PJ, even though I know he won’t stay forever. What I want in a home isn’t very different than what I have. I just have to make sure I have enough wiggle room to be able to afford the place on my own without counting on another person’s income. Dad was right: make sure that I can maintain what I get.

So, how will this pan out with P? I know that I don’t have to worry about trying to convince her that now is the right time. Nor do I have to argue the merits of a location even though it isn’t in Denver. I can consider properties any place I’d like as long as I consider how far I will have to drive to get to work. P will learn about this when it happens. I may or may not give her as much notice as she gave me about her moving out. May just pack up her stuff and place it in a pre-paid storage unit for her to do with as she pleases. May take it with me as a show of good-will that I want her to join me. Regardless, I need to make sure that I finance enough to allow me to hire the movers that I need since I am sure that I will not be fully independent even with surgery. I know that I will need time to get myself into rehab and slowly increase my physical activities. And, lovely though they are, PJ’s friends can only go so far in helping me move. I can ask and see if Dorian will help me get a good deal on movers.

P will be angry, hurt, and defensive since I will have left her out of a key decision. My answer is that she’s not available, we are not together, and this is something that I wanted and, frankly, did not feel that I was going to achieve with her participation since she is so adamantly against moving. Why am I doing this? Because, as I said to Aunt B, I can’t just sit around and wait for her to return or not. I have very specific requirements for P to return. They include having a relationship with just P, not P and M. I might, and that is a big might, consider a 3-way with M coming to us or us together with M, but I just don’t see that happening. In many ways I think that something would develop with Linda M and I before something would develop with M and I. And, given that P has been vehement about the fact that she’s not giving up M, I don’t really see that P and I will reconcile. Stranger things have been known to happen so I can’t discount things; I just can’t place a lot of hope or plans on that possibility.
It seems that, upon learning that I purchased a home and am moving that P will interpret this as me moving on. I have to learn to be okay with that because, again, I just don’t see the value in waiting around for P to decide that she’s going to grace me with her presence. I say that with extreme cynicism since in many ways that is exactly what I think that she hopes I will do. While I have BPD, I also have years of DBT-style therapy and skills. I may not *like* living alone and may feel that I am not terribly efficient or effective at living alone, I *will* do so in order to maintain my sanity.

I certainly do not like my BPD-style behaviors and attitudes. I want a chance to be healthy. If that means that I have to embrace living alone, so be it. I freely admit that I love P and think that, when we are mentally healthy, that we are a very good and supportive couple. However, we have been neither good nor supportive for a long time. P looking outside of the relationship for comfort, companionship, and sex, is merely a symptom that our relationship had sunk to an all-time low. No, we are not nor have we ever been poly. We tried once to have an open relationship. It didn’t work; I came back to P with a great appreciation for her as a partner. We remained monogamous for over nine years. Although we’d like to say otherwise, we are not poly. And, it turns out that I place a great value on fidelity and monogamy. I just don’t see that we can stay together and be open. That can certainly change since so many other things are changing for me, but I suspect that I really am a vanilla girl at heart. I just like a bit of spice in my sex life. We will have to see what happens.

Journal 7/29-30/09

Had a rough night plus an ah-ha moment. Was supposed to meet P and have dinner at Sam’s. Texted her and asked if she would bring in case of Monster from car into office since my back was hurting. She did so. I saw her and was initially angry because she looked like a bum wearing a too-large T-shirt and denim jeans. Actually thought she had her dew-rag on as well. Things went downhill from there. I admit now that I had mixed feelings about seeing her all day long. I first made disparaging remark about her clothes: “that’s what you’re wearing?” Didn’t say hi, didn’t ask how she was. In fact I barely spoke to her. When we got to my desk I told her that I wasn’t sure this was a good idea as I felt like I was not in a good space for lighthearted fun. Should have gone with that and stayed with this. I was torn between knowing I was in a bad space and wanting so much to spend time with her. We started arguing about how this wasn’t a date, she in fact was dressed to show me that she was comfortable in being casual around me. It was bad. I was mean and then she started in on me. Criticized me up on side and down the other. Reduced me to tears and then decided that this was not a good night and that we should just both go home. Curious, now that I write it, that she waited for this pronouncement until after she made me state specifically that I did want to go to dinner with her.

We left the building together and I asked her, no begged her to try talking to me. Told her that she was playing with me in wanting me to be honest and then holding out that an honest answer would result in her leaving for good. Finally told her that yes, I was going to want her to choose between Meggan and me. Asked her to explain why, after years of monogamy, did she want someone else. She then started explaining that I was my mother and she didn’t marry my mother, just me. Told me she’d discuss things with me, not my mother and not until Mary was gone. Really hit a lot of buttons. Really got me riled up which, of course meant that rationality and emotional control went right out the door. Sent her an email today stating my issues with last night’s interaction.

7/30/09:

I texted P last night asking her to call me because I had another ah-ha moment and felt that it was important enough to merit a phone call. P called me. Explained the following: I am mad at her. I am mad because she shut me out. I am mad because she wouldn’t accept my help. I am mad because she cheated on me. I am mad because she left. I am made because she dictates the terms of our contact. I am mad because she manipulates me. I am mad because she accuses me of manipulating her sometimes when it is not true. I am mad because she sidesteps addressing a problem and then blames me for her inability to address/deal with the problem. I am so mad at her that it colors my interactions with her. I am mad because my anger started a chain reaction that ended the first physical contact we have had since separating. I am mad because I don’t feel that she is truly committed to our relationship. I am mad because I feel tugged in multiple directions by her seemingly contradictory statements and actions.

That being said, she told me that this was not an important phone call and this could have waited until our Thursday night call. Part of my email to her addressed the fact that it is not her place to substitute her judgment for my own, that this was her experiences as a child manifesting, and that there were two people with borderline personality disorder here. I am one and the other person it NOT my mother. It was talking with Manea and then Gwyn that brought me to the understanding that I had a lot of triggering just by being in P’s physical presence and that P’s behavior is equally as manipulative as what she accuses in me. My own conclusion was that P substituting her judgment was her BPD manifesting.

Journal 7/22/09 (part II)

Talked to P again after her counseling appointment. We seemed to talk some more about possibly doing activities geared toward addressing the “us” element. She seemed amenable to doing something. Did point out that I was jumping around a lot and making a lot of contradictory suggestions and that some of the suggestions were too much too soon. I agreed and actually told P that she could NOT come over to the house and that was even too much for me much less the incredibly scary idea of sleeping together or having her stay the weekend. Way too much way too soon and I agreed that it was too much. Said I was spit-balling which is probably the most accurate description (e.g. brain storming). Unfortunately some of the brainstorming ideas were a bit much.

I’m probably making too much of it but the conversation seemed to be one of the better ones although I have to say that, when I asked toward the end about what P heard or understood was much harsher than I thought I had said, but perhaps she’s right. I can be tough and less than sensitive and judgmental. Similarly, I think that P also makes things seem much worse than they are meant. The conversation finally had to end because I needed to go (it was well after 6!) and she needed to go inside & also use the toilet. We agreed to talk again tomorrow. I also texted (later) that I would try to put together an email of what we talked about. I think that the least uncomfortable idea is that we get together somewhere neutral and talk. Maybe consider seeing counselor once every 2-4 weeks to talk to us about things like communication and then slowly increase the discomfort potential of our discussions (like about October).

Interestingly P suggested going through CUDenver for couples counseling with the idea that it would save me the cost of a co pay. Not a bad idea and I suggested that if she wanted to pursue that, she was welcome to do that. Perhaps this is one way to make sure that P feels like she has some element of control or power. I can see that part of her intransigence is feeling that she’s given up all control to me. Not unreasonable but, we need to work on the fine art of compromise so that we each get what we need while making sure that happens for the other.

I’m distressed at the level of hurt and sadness P seems to feel. I don’t want to put all blame on her. I would like to see her own up to her own contributions to our demise but not place all blame on her. That is not the case. I certainly made my own contributions, in a large and dramatic way. I have behaved poorly and in very scarily. That cannot be undone and we need to find a way around that. But fault lies with everyone and no one. I hope that I get a chance to talk more with P. I also hope that I don’t get too carried away with a delusion of hope. I know I want to hope 13 years means something to both of us and that we don’t have to split up permanently. I don’t want to lose P or the “us” that we’ve had. I think that we are excellent foils for each other and, when we’re mentally healthy, are good supports and balance for the other one’s benefits and burdens. That being said, there’s a lot of healing of ourselves and the “us” that needs to happen. I just fear that ignoring the “us” in favor of the “I” is NOT helpful.

Journal 7/22/09

Had a lot of problems talking (texting) P on 7/21. We were supposed to have a follow up conversation that evening. Texted her that we were supposed to talk. Got a terse response that she would make contact the next day. Just hit me wrong. Texted her back that we were supposed to talk THAT night. Got another terse response: tomorrow. Got very very very angry. Texted her back with “nice integrity”. Was so very tempted to include additional text, which would end up being unforgivable: “your parents would be so proud of you.” Realized that this was going to cause more problems that solve my anger. Somehow (I still don’t know how I managed this), I did not send that text. Next day when we talked she explained that she was told that she cannot talk or text while working with R unless she’s on a bathroom break. Reminded P that I am in a vacuum, don’t know what’s going on, and that this (along with a summation of our attempt to IM) says a lot about the state of our ability to communicate with each other.

Was very frustrated and upset the next day. Was going to put off the conversation until after work when I realized that I should just get it over with. Texted as much to P (call me in 5. let’s just get this over with). The conversation turned out to be rather good. Discovered that a lot of my mental pain, fear, frustration, etc. was more related to other issues in my life: neck, insurance, time off, furloughs, etc. than to P. Also had reached a point where I understood that I could not sit in relationship limbo. Had taken off my rings the night before. Kept the aquamarine & diamond on my right hand, moved the knot ring to the left (feels better to have a ring there). Told P that I was not ready to deal with relationship limbo, that although she felt strongly (told her that she yelled this) that this was individual time, that I felt that there were 3 entities involved: her, me, and us. Although I understood how she wanted to reduce things to basic elements, we could not further reduce than to the 3, not 2 entities.

Also said that the “us” was lying twitching and bleeding on the ground and I was afraid it would die before 10/16/09 arrived. Asked if there was any that we could see to devote some time, even 10%, to dealing with the “us”. Surprisingly, P was receptive. I talked about understanding her point and what she wanted but that her adamant and vehement refusal to even consider an “us” meant, to me, that I needed to see the relationship as over. Went on to detail that her actions seemed to say the same thing: separation of our financial interdependence: car insurance, Costco, mailing address, cell phones. Asked if, when put that way, did she see the same thing? She said she did see that. Asked if we could just consider some sort of action that would pay some attention to “us” and not risk it bleeding to death between now and 10/16/09? We talked a lot. I talked about how I felt that we got to the point we are at. I know that my actions have brought P to the place where she does not feel safe in my presence. I talked about how I saw the deterioration of our relationship as time went by. Stated that I saw the past 3 years as a series of smacks upside the head and that before we could really recover from that, we’d get another one and another one and so on. Said that eventually I lost track of where I was, where I was going, and that my emotions snuck up on me and took over control of me, which dropped my overall functioning like a rock. I know how to care for me – what I’m learning is nothing I didn’t already know but had gotten out of practice of doing. Seems that most of my therapy has included a significant portion of DBT so I think that I’m able to work a bit faster since its review not learning something new. It’s still not easy to do, but just a bit easier than the first time when I was learning the steps, not being reminded of them.

I probably jumped the gun and suggested too much as initial steps to reconciling – suggested that maybe P spend the night or weekend with me. By the end of the conversation, I could see and P said that that was too much, too scary for initial steps. Retreated and instead suggested talking, reading the suggested book from Kaiser, maybe doing some of the exercises which appear geared towards helping couples communicate better. Again, P seemed kind of supportive of this idea. Although that is nice, the last time I made a suggestion or asked P to do something, it was to fulfill our obligation in our living together agreement and to seek couples counseling. That ended up with P accusing me the next day of manipulating her into doing couples counseling. I am literally waiting for that to happen again. I expect that she’ll talk to me tomorrow and want to backtrack because she will feel that this is my attempt to exert control. I can see how she would feel that way: I think that P has given up control to me so many times in the past that she must feel like she’s in control now and that the only way she knows how to do that is to be the one who makes the rules/calls the shots in this separation. While I can see that, I cannot really function in the relationship limbo that we have going on. I need some of my needs and concerns addressed. I cannot see how we could even hope to reconcile if we are going to spend 3 months NOT dealing with the “us” and only dealing with ourselves. I know that more than 50% of my life has been my relationship and that the problems of/with this relationship have made significant contributions to my current mental health state.

If nothing else, I want to see us work on our communication skills. I think that our breakdown in communication is the one of the biggest things that led to our sad state of affairs. I can see that we stopped checking in with each other, stopped making sure that we understood what the other was saying. We started relying on past knowledge, possible mind reading, and taking the first answer we got as gospel and the ultimate way things were going to be. We stopped talking about difficult subjects, stopped having follow up conversations. From this we started feeling resentment towards the other and started shifting from a “caring for” attitude to one of “caretaking” of the other. We were both taking care of each other and not caring for what the other one wanted or even seeing if that’s what was going on, that what was happening was what she wanted. From that fundamental breakdown emerged the M fiasco. It was the final straw which highlighted in bright neon how badly we were, how much we didn’t say, what resentments we felt. P reiterated that she hoped that there was some sort of relationship for the 3 of 5 of us. I don’t think that’s possible as it never started out that way and no one seems to want to try to go there. I am fairly sure that M will never want anything other than light friendship/cordiality with me. There’s too much geographical distance between me and Chris to make our type of relationship work and therefore we can’t really have anything unless we end up closer to each other.

I don’t know what may happen. I want to hope that P could work on an “us” but I really expect that she’ll just tell me tomorrow that I’m full of crap and this is another of my attempts to manipulate her into doing something that she just will not do. I expect to see her feet turn into claws so that she can dig it and refuse to move or even consider my point.

Journal 7/17/09


Talked to P on Wednesday evening and that conversation was okay. We seemed to be able to communicate clearly and effectively. Yesterday morning’s conversation was not so good. Not as clear in communicating what we meant to say. Kind of made the day difficult for me and pushed me into some funk and depression. Had to do a lot of talking out loud to myself while driving to Westminster to get my replacement debit card from Elevations and things got somewhat better as I drove down to Linda Miller’s from there.

I seemed ok through explaining the current situation to Linda and then through dinner at Black Eyed Pea. Am sure that my limited eating was concerning to the very nice waiter who, I think, was mildly flirting with me. However, given that I am not eating well and getting most of my nutrition from protein drinks, it’s not surprising that the pouch has shrunk. Am okay overall with my physical health (as related to digestion and nutrition). Not great but ok. A plus side is that I’m down to 187 pounds which is happy-making for me in general although I do NOT recommend this method of weight loss to anyone. Jeans (both pairs) now very loose and the belt that P left me seems to have left with her. May check out ARC or Savers for some jeans and a belt tonight depending on how I feel (fatigue-wise and emotionally).

Talked again to P last night as I drove home from Linda’s. A much better talk. Asked questions that I thought might reassure me. Turns out that no matter what I ask and what the answers are, I am not reassured, which then tells me that the problem is with me and not with P. She tells me every single time I ask that she does not want to break up; she does not want to flush our relationship; thirteen years is not something to casually discard. She also reminds me that she is very hurt; I am very hurt. We need the time apart to heal ourselves so that we can return to working on us. I have cards and notes coming out of my ears that say the same thing.

Asked her to consider coming with me to the Depeche Mode concert. She had (yesterday morning) adamantly declined saying that it would feel like a date and there should be no dating right now. Furthermore, the tickets were purchased as an anniversary gift and why would we celebrate an anniversary if we weren’t together. That is probably what pushed me into the depression and funk. Also she told me that I had said I was going to take Jackie Bowser to the concert and why wasn’t I doing that? I explained (along with a fairly long explanation of the basis of my general behavior over the past six months and the preceding 2 years and how it declined) that I had said the words to hurt and that I had not asked anyone to go to the concert with me and would probably not even attend at all if she didn’t come with me. I said that (and perhaps it came off as being manipulative – note: will have to check on that with P) that I felt that going to the concert and going to Red Rocks in general was something that I had last done with P and really only wanted to do with her again. End result: P is going to think about going to concert with me. Honestly, this is the best that I can hope for. I hope that the month that goes by will endear her more towards going to the concert that not going to the concert. As an aside, I mentioned that I was very sad at the idea of not acknowledging our anniversary. P mentioned something (that I did not pounce on or ask for further clarification) that the day would not be unacknowledged. I find some hope in that statement.

Writing about this makes me cry and feel very sad. Am working to feel the pain but not focus exclusively on it. Use the pain as a reminder and a tool to help me when I don’t feel like working on my own problems. I at least say, out loud, that I am feeling insecure and am looking for reassurance. I have no idea if that makes a difference or not, but I think that saying it out loud is my way of acknowledging I feel something that is not nice, is painful, is hard to deal with. Maybe this is my way of ensuring awareness of my emotions and an attempt to not run away from them. I don’t know, but I do know how much I don’t know.

Journal 7/13/09

I am scared to death to tell P this: I cannot handle her relationship with M. She needs to stop seeing her. I am not okay with this. This outside relationship threatens me. I am scared to tell her because I feel that this requires her to make a choice: M or me. I am afraid that her choice will be M which would devastate me.

P will be upset and hurt. She will say that I gave my permission for this to occur. That is true. Unfortunately I have been lying to myself and to her about how I feel. She will say that she had the same problems 9 years ago. I will say that I see that she had problems 9 years ago. I will also say that I ended that relationship after 2 months and that neither of us looked outside of the relationship again.
We have not practiced what we preached: we preached embracing an open relationship but did not actually do that on a continuing basis. Each of us has had our time and chance. It does not work. This needs to end.
P will say that she is “in love” with M. My only response is that this is your emotion and your response. I cannot change that. I am sorry that you are this committed to M. I am sorry that you did not put a limit on your emotional connection to M. However, it does not change the fact that I am not okay with this relationship and it needs to stop.
What happens if I tell P this? She can attempt to reason and negotiate with me. Unfortunately I have been trying to negotiate with myself and my feelings for the last 4 months. You see how well that has worked out. I have become angry, intentionally hurtful (emotional and physical), destructive of myself/P/us, and overall my functioning has decreased in all areas of my life including work and personal friendships. There is little to no room for negotiation because I am not “there” at all: either earlier or now. Furthermore, I cannot discuss whether or not if this relationship had been a threesome as initially discussed would make a difference. This is not how the relationship worked out, we are not there now and that is not what happened. I can guess, based on my impressions of the evening we had together, that I might have been okay with occasionally adding M to our relationship, but I am not okay with what I see as losing P to M.
Options: P will choose M. This is a distinct possibility and the one that I immediately go to when thinking about my relationship with P. This is the manifestation of the borderline: I pick and embrace the most catastrophic end result and make that the reality. Perhaps the option that appears more likely is that P will be angry, but also that she will be recognize what she already knows but won’t admit: I am not okay with this and that she must stop seeing M for the good of our relationship and because she has stated over and over and over again that she is committed to us as a couple and does not want to see 13 years of relationship end. A final option is that P chooses me but harbors such intense anger and hurt that eventually it destroys the relationship. This is a possibility and one that needs to be considered. However, it is certainly reasonable that P will be both hurt and angry but will get over it or not, as she chooses to. I cannot choose what P feels or doesn’t feel. I cannot help the fact that my announcement will cause both her and M significant hurt. I can only speak the truth of what I see, feel, and need. I need to then let go. It is up to P to choose to deal with her feelings as she sees fit. Regardless of the outcome, I cannot return to something resembling “normal” and deal with myself, my issues, my failings, and my contribution to the decline in our relationship if I do not speak the truth, even if it hurts and causes a lot of immediate pain to both P and M. I am going to say this because it is the truth, not because I am trying to be manipulative.