kink

Yeah, I'm into kink. Pretty much all kinds.

I know what I am and yes, it's a what.

I am your basic masochist, the one who enjoys pain (flogging, spanking, whipping), being bound and/or gagged, and generally used as someone else wishes. Yes I have my safe word, but I also have a high tolerance for just about anything (no, I'm not into anything involving non-consenting, underage, animals, or death). Masochism is defined as "the sexual pleasure or gratification of having pain or suffering inflicted upon the self, often consisting of sexual fantasies or urges for being beaten, humiliated. . . In the context of BDSM, bondage involves people being tied up or otherwise restrained for pleasure. " (see http://www.glossary.com/encyclopedia.php?q=Sadomasochism).

I am also a submissive in BDSM parlance. "D/s is often referred to as the "mental" side of BDSM. BDSM is any of a number of related patterns of human sexual behavior. The major subgroupings are described in the abbreviation "BDSM" itself: Bondage & Discipline (B&D), Domination & Submission (D&s), Sadism and Masochism (or sadomasochism) (S&M)." (see http://www.glossary.com/encyclopedia.php?q=Domination_%26_submission_%28BDSM%29)

Any questions? Read more at the above website.

I also like cutting. It's Piquerism, which is defined as "a paraphilia in which one finds pleasure in stabbing or cutting bodies with sharp objects. It is a form of sadomasochism...The most frequently targeted areas of the body are the breasts, buttocks, or groin" (see http://www.glossary.com/reference.php?q=Piquerism). Piquerism is a DSM-IV diagnosis and can be considered a psychosexual disorder. For me, I don't really care what it is, I just like receiving the cutting. It's such a delicate line to toe: the blade needs to be sharp enough to split the skin and the user skilled enough to slice skin without going deeper. It's a bond of trust between me and who cuts me. It is incredibly erotic. When done correctly, there is about as much pain involved as getting a tattoo. And probably less pain, depending on where the tattoo is located and/or where I'm getting cut.

I have a cutting on my leg. It's relatively simple: I <3 U. There's also the letters P.O.V., which means something to both of us and isn't something I want to share. I received it with both love and affection as well as extreme trust on both of our parts. The experience of receiving it was almost transcendental: it was erotic, frightening, empowering, and affirming. Receiving it almost brought me. There was no blood initially. Eventually the cut seeped some blood. It scabbed and is healing now. It isn't infected. It is not obvious, unless I have my pants off. It is a mark that may or may not be permanent, created by someone I love very much.

On Saturday I visited one of my loves. As we are wont to do, we started a BDSM scene. Much of my time was spent on my stomach, tied down. When I was untied, I was ordered onto my back. That's when he saw my cutting. He stopped everything and asked, "what is that?" I told him, knife/blade play. He told me he knew I had other loves and saw other people, but that this was a problem for him. He said things were over and to get dressed.

I got dressed.

Later, he told me that, as a healer, he didn't understand how people could intentionally hurt themselves or allow themselves to be hurt. He also said it was a button for him that he didn't realize existed. I reminded him that this was done with my full consent AND cooperation (truly necessary when working with sharp pointy things). I was confused and hurt. I also understood what he meant, but was also dealing with this abruptness and sudden change. After all, what is, really, the difference between my cutting and a tattoo or piercing? But, I am not good at figuring things out in the heat of the moment. The rest of my visit was spent (clothed) watching Babylon 5 and eating dinner.

Fast forward to Monday. I write on FB that I'm heart-sore. I talk through text, telephone, and IM with my love who gave me my cutting. Eventually I work through things using my feeling words to describe how I feel. And I discover that his actions were hurtful to me and invalidated me, my needs, and actions I take to satisfy them. Even though he later owned his issue, we remained casual and platonic for the rest of the visit. We didn't talk about the issue or the situation. This affirmed the invalidation I felt. Realizing this, I cried.

This hurts. A lot. And I don't know if I can continue to see someone who invalidates me this way. I had too much of that in my marriage. Since it ended so recently I can honestly say that I have a really low tolerance for invalidation. And, this situation is just too much.

So I sent a goodbye email. It included this phrase: I have signed up for consensual physical abuse with some, but not all of my lovers, but not non-consensual emotional abuse.