Journal 7/22/09 (part II)

Talked to P again after her counseling appointment. We seemed to talk some more about possibly doing activities geared toward addressing the “us” element. She seemed amenable to doing something. Did point out that I was jumping around a lot and making a lot of contradictory suggestions and that some of the suggestions were too much too soon. I agreed and actually told P that she could NOT come over to the house and that was even too much for me much less the incredibly scary idea of sleeping together or having her stay the weekend. Way too much way too soon and I agreed that it was too much. Said I was spit-balling which is probably the most accurate description (e.g. brain storming). Unfortunately some of the brainstorming ideas were a bit much.

I’m probably making too much of it but the conversation seemed to be one of the better ones although I have to say that, when I asked toward the end about what P heard or understood was much harsher than I thought I had said, but perhaps she’s right. I can be tough and less than sensitive and judgmental. Similarly, I think that P also makes things seem much worse than they are meant. The conversation finally had to end because I needed to go (it was well after 6!) and she needed to go inside & also use the toilet. We agreed to talk again tomorrow. I also texted (later) that I would try to put together an email of what we talked about. I think that the least uncomfortable idea is that we get together somewhere neutral and talk. Maybe consider seeing counselor once every 2-4 weeks to talk to us about things like communication and then slowly increase the discomfort potential of our discussions (like about October).

Interestingly P suggested going through CUDenver for couples counseling with the idea that it would save me the cost of a co pay. Not a bad idea and I suggested that if she wanted to pursue that, she was welcome to do that. Perhaps this is one way to make sure that P feels like she has some element of control or power. I can see that part of her intransigence is feeling that she’s given up all control to me. Not unreasonable but, we need to work on the fine art of compromise so that we each get what we need while making sure that happens for the other.

I’m distressed at the level of hurt and sadness P seems to feel. I don’t want to put all blame on her. I would like to see her own up to her own contributions to our demise but not place all blame on her. That is not the case. I certainly made my own contributions, in a large and dramatic way. I have behaved poorly and in very scarily. That cannot be undone and we need to find a way around that. But fault lies with everyone and no one. I hope that I get a chance to talk more with P. I also hope that I don’t get too carried away with a delusion of hope. I know I want to hope 13 years means something to both of us and that we don’t have to split up permanently. I don’t want to lose P or the “us” that we’ve had. I think that we are excellent foils for each other and, when we’re mentally healthy, are good supports and balance for the other one’s benefits and burdens. That being said, there’s a lot of healing of ourselves and the “us” that needs to happen. I just fear that ignoring the “us” in favor of the “I” is NOT helpful.