PJ's on Fetlife, too. How weird is that?
Monday, January 11, 2010
Fetlife about me
About me (edit)
At the end of 2006 I had gastric bypass and lost more than half of my weight. Yep, that means saggy skin - everywhere. Thanks to miracle materials such as lycra and steel (corset, underwire), I look pretty good. Out of my clothes I am definitely not typical. Neither good nor bad, just not typical. And, now that I'm past age 40, I acknowledge that gravity isn't just a good idea, it's the law. So, for my own peace of mind, this is where I tell (warn) you that I have size 28-30 skin on a size 14-16 body.I was slow to post information about me other than filling out interests, joining discussion groups, and providing basic information. I have been slow to move into the kink world as I was in a mostly happy same-sex marriage for 13 years. However she was very vanilla, very monogamous and, out of love and respect for her and her needs, I curtailed my need for outside and kinky relationships. It's easier than you think to accomplish this when you're living only in your head and ignoring your body. Now that our relationship has ended, I am not going to miss the opportunity to explore what I want from my life, preferably before it is over. This is life, not a dress rehearsal. You very very very occasionally get do-overs.
I identify as poly even though I am not currently partnered. I live alone with my cats and am perfectly happy to continue to do so. I have several current relationships, both kinky and not. If asked directly, AND it is pertinent, I will disclose them. Not all of them are on Fetlife and not all of them are relationships I will discuss openly. The people I'm involved with are wonderful, amazing, fantastic and I consider them to be family (they are my logical, as opposed to biological, family). They each bring different strengths to my life. I love and respect them and won't denigrate these relationships by kissing and telling. I let them know about any new relationships I begin but won't casually discuss them.
Type of submissive: definitely submissive in the bedroom/behind closed doors. I am not a bottom as I want more than just sensation, I want an exchange of power: I want to be submissive to a dominant. I'm not at the point in which I feel I can surrender total control to someone although the idea fascinates and attracts me. In most of the other parts of my life I am in charge/she who must be obeyed and paid to be the subject matter expert. I will not give that up and frankly cannot see me giving up total control and power to another person, although I should know never to say never. But I have a very strong independent streak in me (maybe genetic, it seems to run in my family) which makes surrendering total control difficult. I have a career, friends, and relationships that exist outside of a D/s relationship and are equitable/egalitarian. But, all that being said, there is something amazingly pleasurable both to me and in me when I serve. I like being ordered to perform without hesitation or question. I can and do submit willingly. I just don't know if I can do something like that more than occasionally and outside of the bedroom/behind closed doors.
I am a masochist with a high pain tolerance in spite of relatively easy bruising and generally looking rather fragile (or so I've been told). Yes I love being marked. All this being said, I still want to be fucked in every way possible while also providing the pleasure and service my dominant demands. I love the inner peace and mental quiet (my ADHD brain shuts up) that comes after being beaten. I like serving sexual sadists in that they can and have taken me to places I only dreamed about with orgasms that blew my socks off just by remembering.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Favorite holiday wish
Because I found this to be so amusing, I'm sharing a quote/holiday wish I got from one of my favorite authors, Laurell K. Hamilton):
May your sheets be tangled, make up something that smears across the pillow, & you do things that would not film well, but feel amazing.
Seriously, so mote it be all year long!
May your sheets be tangled, make up something that smears across the pillow, & you do things that would not film well, but feel amazing.
Seriously, so mote it be all year long!
Talking to the ex and me moving
I was able to contact Pam and she's going to collect most of the things/furniture I don't take with me. Whatever else is left goes either to friends or to donation/dumpster. I have until the end of the month to be out completely.
All this occurred after weeks of texting, emailing, and phoning Pam with absolutely no response. I was again forced to email her girlfriend (in hopes she would pass the message onto Pam) about my moving schedule and her ability to collect whatever furniture, household items, and books that were left. As a result I got a text message from Pam asking if she could call me and we ended up talking for at least an hour (probably more like two) yesterday. She tells me that she misses most of her emails and text messages. I think I would believe it if I'd heard of more people having this problem. It's so hard not to think that her behavior is intentional and that she actively avoids me. Really, when it all comes down to brass tacks, I don't believe her, which is one of many reasons why I would not want to reunite with her. It's a sad commentary after 13 years together.
The downside of talking to Pam is that I face the pain of what is over and must confront and allow my feelings of grief. In talking to Pam I am working through my experiences and the changes I've wrought in the last six to twelve months, and the price for this is the crying and the depression. Crying I can handle, but the depression slows me down, robbing me of my initiative, and I simply can't afford that right now with so many things happening in the next three days. I need to finish packing, paint that one wall in my bedroom before the bed goes in, and be at the top of my game to wrangle the two sets of movers (regular furniture and waterbed). Not to mention getting UNpacked at the new place.
My marriage to Pam: I don't want to go back (seriously, NO) but I miss what used to be, who Pam used to be, and that there were at least 10 years of me being very happy with what I had. Now that I have more and different life experience, I don't want what would amount to a huge step backwards, but I miss odd things like the shorthand that couples develop, talking to someone who knows me well, and the companionship that is the natural result of living with someone for 13 years. I'm a crying fool, but I don't fight it, don't try to run away from it, and just let myself feel what I feel and be okay with the seeming dichotomy of I miss her but I don't want to get back together with her.
Talking with Pam is difficult. The humor we shared is still there, the shorthand still exists, the associations between a single word or phrase to a shared experience is blatantly obvious. I miss that. I miss the intimacy of someone knowing me so well as well as having such a long history/intimate knowledge of me, my mind, my body, and my spirit. At the same time, Pam said things like, "I still love you. I will always love you. But I was not the right person for you." That makes me so angry! It's a classic Borderline trait of invalidating someone else. I told her point blank that the statement was inappropriate (such a mild word for how pissed I was) and that it wasn't her place to validate or invalidate MY choice. It was my choice to be with her and I was supremely happy; sublimely happy with her for at least ten years, probably more. Although what I want now is very different, I was the one to choose to align myself with Pam, to choose the vanilla relationship that we had, to choose not to see other people and be monogamous with her, to accommodate her social anxiety, to work to teach her social skills, and to be the supportive partner for her incredibly low self esteem. It's particularly co-dependent of me (in 20/20 hindsight), but it worked for a very long time. And this is the past, not current times. Regardless, I was who I was. I am now who I am, which I certainly hope is mentally a LOT more stable, independent, and free than I used to be. But I'm probably deluding myself. We humans do that kind of thing and I admit I am superbly skilled in this area.
So, I listen to and experience my grief while trying to balance that with not getting sucked into a depressive and borderline void, decompensating, and generally taking steps backward/undoing the work of the past six months. One major reason I won't go back to Pam is that I don't like who I was. I don't like my dependent traits, I don't like how much I was paying in personal energy and strength to support someone who would not try to support herself. So I work to move forward in my life with the memories of what was the the hopes of what will be.
And, I have a really cute new apartment to move into and establish new memories. But I need to pack!
All this occurred after weeks of texting, emailing, and phoning Pam with absolutely no response. I was again forced to email her girlfriend (in hopes she would pass the message onto Pam) about my moving schedule and her ability to collect whatever furniture, household items, and books that were left. As a result I got a text message from Pam asking if she could call me and we ended up talking for at least an hour (probably more like two) yesterday. She tells me that she misses most of her emails and text messages. I think I would believe it if I'd heard of more people having this problem. It's so hard not to think that her behavior is intentional and that she actively avoids me. Really, when it all comes down to brass tacks, I don't believe her, which is one of many reasons why I would not want to reunite with her. It's a sad commentary after 13 years together.
The downside of talking to Pam is that I face the pain of what is over and must confront and allow my feelings of grief. In talking to Pam I am working through my experiences and the changes I've wrought in the last six to twelve months, and the price for this is the crying and the depression. Crying I can handle, but the depression slows me down, robbing me of my initiative, and I simply can't afford that right now with so many things happening in the next three days. I need to finish packing, paint that one wall in my bedroom before the bed goes in, and be at the top of my game to wrangle the two sets of movers (regular furniture and waterbed). Not to mention getting UNpacked at the new place.
My marriage to Pam: I don't want to go back (seriously, NO) but I miss what used to be, who Pam used to be, and that there were at least 10 years of me being very happy with what I had. Now that I have more and different life experience, I don't want what would amount to a huge step backwards, but I miss odd things like the shorthand that couples develop, talking to someone who knows me well, and the companionship that is the natural result of living with someone for 13 years. I'm a crying fool, but I don't fight it, don't try to run away from it, and just let myself feel what I feel and be okay with the seeming dichotomy of I miss her but I don't want to get back together with her.
Talking with Pam is difficult. The humor we shared is still there, the shorthand still exists, the associations between a single word or phrase to a shared experience is blatantly obvious. I miss that. I miss the intimacy of someone knowing me so well as well as having such a long history/intimate knowledge of me, my mind, my body, and my spirit. At the same time, Pam said things like, "I still love you. I will always love you. But I was not the right person for you." That makes me so angry! It's a classic Borderline trait of invalidating someone else. I told her point blank that the statement was inappropriate (such a mild word for how pissed I was) and that it wasn't her place to validate or invalidate MY choice. It was my choice to be with her and I was supremely happy; sublimely happy with her for at least ten years, probably more. Although what I want now is very different, I was the one to choose to align myself with Pam, to choose the vanilla relationship that we had, to choose not to see other people and be monogamous with her, to accommodate her social anxiety, to work to teach her social skills, and to be the supportive partner for her incredibly low self esteem. It's particularly co-dependent of me (in 20/20 hindsight), but it worked for a very long time. And this is the past, not current times. Regardless, I was who I was. I am now who I am, which I certainly hope is mentally a LOT more stable, independent, and free than I used to be. But I'm probably deluding myself. We humans do that kind of thing and I admit I am superbly skilled in this area.
So, I listen to and experience my grief while trying to balance that with not getting sucked into a depressive and borderline void, decompensating, and generally taking steps backward/undoing the work of the past six months. One major reason I won't go back to Pam is that I don't like who I was. I don't like my dependent traits, I don't like how much I was paying in personal energy and strength to support someone who would not try to support herself. So I work to move forward in my life with the memories of what was the the hopes of what will be.
And, I have a really cute new apartment to move into and establish new memories. But I need to pack!
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