Journal 7/29-30/09

Had a rough night plus an ah-ha moment. Was supposed to meet P and have dinner at Sam’s. Texted her and asked if she would bring in case of Monster from car into office since my back was hurting. She did so. I saw her and was initially angry because she looked like a bum wearing a too-large T-shirt and denim jeans. Actually thought she had her dew-rag on as well. Things went downhill from there. I admit now that I had mixed feelings about seeing her all day long. I first made disparaging remark about her clothes: “that’s what you’re wearing?” Didn’t say hi, didn’t ask how she was. In fact I barely spoke to her. When we got to my desk I told her that I wasn’t sure this was a good idea as I felt like I was not in a good space for lighthearted fun. Should have gone with that and stayed with this. I was torn between knowing I was in a bad space and wanting so much to spend time with her. We started arguing about how this wasn’t a date, she in fact was dressed to show me that she was comfortable in being casual around me. It was bad. I was mean and then she started in on me. Criticized me up on side and down the other. Reduced me to tears and then decided that this was not a good night and that we should just both go home. Curious, now that I write it, that she waited for this pronouncement until after she made me state specifically that I did want to go to dinner with her.

We left the building together and I asked her, no begged her to try talking to me. Told her that she was playing with me in wanting me to be honest and then holding out that an honest answer would result in her leaving for good. Finally told her that yes, I was going to want her to choose between Meggan and me. Asked her to explain why, after years of monogamy, did she want someone else. She then started explaining that I was my mother and she didn’t marry my mother, just me. Told me she’d discuss things with me, not my mother and not until Mary was gone. Really hit a lot of buttons. Really got me riled up which, of course meant that rationality and emotional control went right out the door. Sent her an email today stating my issues with last night’s interaction.

7/30/09:

I texted P last night asking her to call me because I had another ah-ha moment and felt that it was important enough to merit a phone call. P called me. Explained the following: I am mad at her. I am mad because she shut me out. I am mad because she wouldn’t accept my help. I am mad because she cheated on me. I am mad because she left. I am made because she dictates the terms of our contact. I am mad because she manipulates me. I am mad because she accuses me of manipulating her sometimes when it is not true. I am mad because she sidesteps addressing a problem and then blames me for her inability to address/deal with the problem. I am so mad at her that it colors my interactions with her. I am mad because my anger started a chain reaction that ended the first physical contact we have had since separating. I am mad because I don’t feel that she is truly committed to our relationship. I am mad because I feel tugged in multiple directions by her seemingly contradictory statements and actions.

That being said, she told me that this was not an important phone call and this could have waited until our Thursday night call. Part of my email to her addressed the fact that it is not her place to substitute her judgment for my own, that this was her experiences as a child manifesting, and that there were two people with borderline personality disorder here. I am one and the other person it NOT my mother. It was talking with Manea and then Gwyn that brought me to the understanding that I had a lot of triggering just by being in P’s physical presence and that P’s behavior is equally as manipulative as what she accuses in me. My own conclusion was that P substituting her judgment was her BPD manifesting.