Random Things About Me

I “hear” a lot. “Feel” even more sometimes. Thanks to sci-fi and fantasy I finally figured out I have pretty strong receptive empathy coupled with a major healing talent. Unsurprising considering the sheer number of nurses in my family. The only thing I can think that would a worse gift to have is precognition. Thank you Goddess for NOT gifting that on me. However, living with this is a challenge sometimes, to say the very least.

Note to self: Don't send an empath to the mental hospital unless there isn't ANY other option. I spent more time helping out the other (nutjobs) than helping myself. I wanted to go home just so I could get a break from the noise and mental screaming. My meds help somewhat but almost nothing blocks the sound of the others from me. Don't ask about 9/11. I called in sick that day, before anyone flew a plane into a building.

My brand of ADHD: I hear it all and will process it all. Seriously – everything. Very little escapes me. I might not say anything, but I probably heard it and just rely on manners to determine what to say or not to say. Again, my meds can help somewhat, but almost nothing blocks everything out.

I work in Human Services because I have to. I don't really get a choice. My empathy demands I do this. But people tax me and my energy. The best compromise I've found is my job at DDS: I get to help people but rarely have to interact with them. I love that I get to read and write and interact (for the most part) with a computer and not people. My brief tenure at Denver Human Services doing TANF interviews darn near killed me. I can't tell you how happy I was to lose that job.

On the subject of interpersonal interaction and empathy: sometimes dealing with people, even people I love, is more than I can handle. Yes, I duck phone calls and doorbells out of sheer self preservation. Sometimes even talking to you on the phone, much less in person, is too much for me. It isn't you, it's most definitely me. I apologize in advance that sometimes the only option I feel I have is to hide away from the rest of humanity and its issues/problems. I suck. I know. I'm sorry.

Sadly, it's a thin line between hiding away from people and their inherent mental noise and becoming mired in a depression, whether it's something of my creation or someone else's. I don't have any idea of how to tell the difference or toe the line between the two. For those who demanded I get off my butt and get out, I thank you. For those who wondered what the hell was going on but continued to talk to me and love me, I thank you. For those who were convinced they did something wrong, you didn't and I am sorry.

I have some amazing friends who have opened their homes to me and allowed me a safe haven to rest and recover from the challenges life throws me. Y'all know who you are, but what you have done for me is immeasurably precious to me and I love you all for your generosity and, sometimes, sacrifice. To you and the rest of my friends: without you in my life I am sometimes not sure I'd still be alive. Thank you. Most days I am very pleased to know I remain among the living and you are some of the reasons that is still true.

I have some fantastic genetic family. I have amazing aunties and cousins who have accepted me for me without judging or expecting me to fulfill some role they conceived. For that I am humbled. Additionally I have been blessed to get a chance to rekindle a relationship with family who live here in the metro area. It took me 40 years, but getting a chance to know AND respect you is amazing.

What I learned/did on my vacation:

Had spinal surgery. Note to self: if the MRI says things are bad, they are. Don't fart around. Surgery is your best option. How do I know? I'm still trying to recover all of my neurological functioning and will probably not get it all back. I still have numbness and the occasional stagger in my walk and the weather will probably continue to play merry havoc with my functioning. Yeah, not one of my smarter moves. I should have more faith in allopathic medicine.

Conflict of interests with your job are BAD. Yep: B as in broken, A as in awful, D as in dropping. Don't do it again. You got off lucky this time.

itchy

Dear Gods I have an itch!
Yeah, that kind of itch.
After being low energy and kind of sick this week as well as having a lot of emotional ups and downs, I finally feel healthy enough, energetic enough, whatever enough to want sex. Not just play, but full on penetration sex. I want something in me and I want to come hard, loudly, and multiple times.

And none of my partners are available. Between scheduling issues, low energy, or just inaccessibility, no one is available to play with me or scratch my itch.

On the plus side, I had a very good conversation with one partner in which we realized that we are on two totally different planes right now and, at this point, neither of us can probably satisfy the other's needs.

On the down side, well - shit. We're on two totally different planes and neither of us can truly satisfy the other's needs.

There's no good resolution for this issue with one of my partners tonight. Sure, I can troll for someone else. But I hate that quality in myself as well as others, and in all honesty, I don't want to make a foolish choice and looking for someone for tonight seems like a foolish choice.

Which leads me to question myself, this itch, and comments from family that I'm silly, immature, and irresponsible. Yeah, I know. It's family saying this and these people are bug-fuck crazy. But they're family and their words echo (poorly) in my mind and soul. Yeah, it sears my soul. Society says these are people who should know me best, but the truth is that these people don't know me at all.

I have not shared with them details of my life because I know my choices are an affront to their moral fiber. I am bisexual, I am poly, and I am kinky/masochistic. This is added to the fact that I'm pagan and rebellious as well as someone who has been estranged from them for years.So, given all of these variables, it is no wonder that these people do not know me. Yet anything they say has such power.

No good answers for anything tonight. Sigh.

Surgery

At the beginning of April, I returned to my neurosurgeon to ask if there were any other, non-invasive, options available to me. I'd deferred surgery in October to try chiropractic treatment. I had some good improvement, but then began to regress (and regress badly) after the new year. After needing to use a cane for balance while walking, falling weekly, being unable to type accurately or at speed (which could cost me my job), and losing control of some key bodily functions, I'd had enough. There were too many deficits, too many losses to ignore any more. Yes, I returned to see a surgeon, someone who was probably going to suggest surgery (after all when you're a hammer, everything/evey solution starts to look like a nail). We did neurological testing, which I am familiar with.

I know my body. And I am well-paid to know and evaluate functional limitations and how they are documented. I read medical records daily. I work with medical doctors. And a goodly portion of my caseload has people claiming disability due to spine problems including herniated disks, canal stenosis (narrowing of the spinal column), foraminal stenosis (narrowing of the areas where the nerves exit the spinal cord). I have pretty much all of these problems. The most serious, however, is my herniated disk at C5-6 (cervical vertebra numbers 5 and 6).  The disc ruptured and oozed back, compressing my spinal cord by about 50%.

How do I know this?  Again, I read medical records for a living. I also request copies of the raw MRI data plus the radiologist interpretations. I can read these images. No, not as well as a radiologist, but well enough. And, I mentioned that I know my body. I have numbness in my legs, feet, arms, hands, and part of my torso. It waxes and wanes according to things like barometric pressure. My partners have seen how well I don't walk, can't function. Even my casual friends notice and see how badly I am doing. Work knows my hands don't work well for typing. I had to ask for help and now, for my longer Findings of Fact, I dictate them. And all just see the very tip of the iceberg of all of my symptoms.

Here's is where I bare my shame. I am incontinent. Bladder and bowel. I can't really feel how full my bladder is until it's time to pee, NOW. I can't hold it either. If I start to urinate, there's no way for me to stop. This happens, probably once a day, and has been going on, with a gradual worsening, for months.

Couple Code

I miss the couple code. You know. The experiences and stories you collect as a couple that become a code common only to the two of you. Over time the code is less about the stories and more about the meanings you give them. Shared experiences, shared meaning. Ultimately the embodiment of the years spent together.


I miss that.

I know I mentioned that I don’t miss Pam. I do and I don’t. I surely don’t miss the woman who had me watch as she fell in love with someone else, driving me slowly crazy as more time went by and I could see her make new connections with her and sever the ones with me. But surely I miss the shorthand that every couple develops
And, now that the marriage is over, when do I stop thinking about that code when talking to friends and lovers? When do I stop automatically thinking in code and wanting to share the amusement with people who weren’t there and don’t know what I mean? There are just so many random times that could be summed up in couple code and it only makes sense to me. It is so frustrating and, depending on the day, time, or time of the month, almost cripplingly sad.
I don’t think there’s an answer to my question, other than time and a chance to have new experiences which make new memories and eventually morph into a new couple code. I just wish these things happened a bit faster.

I think I'm...

Oh, sure. There's new relationship energy. Can happen rather often for me, depending on my mood and social events I attend. I meet someone, we connect on some level, maybe sleep together, maybe not. Perhaps we become friends who did or do sleep together. Or just friends. After Pam, I am happy to make new connections in my life and enjoy the love and caring I receive and enjoy that I can love and care for another human.

And then there's the time when it's all that and more. The connection that seems to transcend time, space, and relationships. Sometimes it happens over time, as with Mark, whom I cannot not see as part of my life now, after building a relationship over the past 10 months. Sometimes it happens quickly, as with Eric. I've been asking myself when is the right time to say that I think I'm falling in love with someone I only knew from photographs just over a month ago.

Oh, did I forget to mention this? Yeah, I saw photos of Eric and Eris that a friend took months ago. Felt the "zing" of deity letting me know this was someone to meet, but with all the drama and all, nothing panned out then. Fast forward through casual mentions of these two to communal dinners. I finally met them in person. Both are incredible people in and of themselves. But Eris prefers dating men and Eric women.

So here I am on a cool cloudy Saturday after spending the evening at a movie with both Eric and Eris and having Eric come back to my house for the night. And hearing from him the words I've been afraid to say out loud, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

I'm not running away. Not screaming in fear. Oh, I have the fear that revealing all of me means driving someone away. But I'm going to face my fear and try to share me with somone who is willing to say he loves me. It's a step back into the arena of love.

what's love got to do with it? (part 2-ish)

Here's a part of my fellow Twitter/FB/Fetlife friend's blog: (nakedconfusion)
I found that now, where I am with myself, I didn't want one with him any other way. As things progressed with Daddy and me, I realized that I'd found something in him that I hadn't even been looking for. I found that I not only wanted him, but that I didn't want him without love. And when I realized that, I almost ruined everything because I couldn't see how love and d/s could work together.

The idea of having love in a d/s relationship was something I was unprepared to understand. Thankfully, one of Daddy's really strong suits is knowing me better than I know myself. That, and a heck of a lot of patience.

This resonates strongly with me.  I did not set out to meet Eric or even start anything with him; I'd just ended a budding M/s relationship because I couldn't face losing my other loves or taking a final step to handing over my body, mind, and spirit to someone I didn't love at least not yet. So here I was at Stella's potluck and teasing Eris and Eric because she was teasingly pimping him out. Somehow we ended up kissing. No big deal, but he was biting my lips and, well, being the good masochist I am, I responded. We started talking, friending on FB, I ended up at his house (more kissing) when Eris invited me to an last-minute BBQ, and had a dinner date at my house one snowy evening. Seemed totally vanilla even though we'd discussed my kinkiness and that he'd had similar play relationships in the past.  We even moved into my bedroom with the idea we'd at least do the first date vanilla thing. Didn't last very long as we soon agreed that vanilla was nice but perhaps we should try chocolate chip.

What catches me by surprise is the intensity of our feelings for each other, made more so by the nature of out D/s relationship.  He's very clear he does not want to be my Master, nor do I want that from him. That said there is something about putting such great trust in someone else in a relatively short amount of time that has the side effect of intensifying the existing and potential emotions. End result? I think I'm falling in love and seeing Eric as more than just a play partner. It's not one sided either. I'm still in shock - what took months to build with Mark and Debbie happened in record time with Eric.

And what do I find/realize in all of this? Love has a lot to do with this. It's a corrupting influence inasmuch as it spoils me for light and fluffy play. I have seen and experienced more. I think I want the more, at least now.

After seeing Avatar and loving the symbolism and imagery associated with this phrase, my interest was definitely piqued to see this note posted on a friend's Facebook page. It's interesting reading.

I see you.

 

 Tuesday, November 10, 2009 at 1:28am

Language is an interesting thing. The three words most people consider to be [of] the utmost importance is “I love you.” But love is a slippery thing. The three words I most want to hear, and only if they are true, is “I see you.” Though love is a wonderful and beautiful thing, to be truly seen by someone as the person you really are, all your faults, all your virtues, and all your complexities, that is something truly life changing. I’m not sure if it’s even something that is possible, but I want it anyways. Beyond that, I want to be able to give it. I want to see people for what and who they really are, both good and bad. It is the combination of light and dark that creates beauty, and I want to see all of it. It’s rather esoteric and clichéd but perhaps in learning to see, one day, I will be seen. 

 

So, thanks Clacy for saying this so well.