Journal 7/17/09


Talked to P on Wednesday evening and that conversation was okay. We seemed to be able to communicate clearly and effectively. Yesterday morning’s conversation was not so good. Not as clear in communicating what we meant to say. Kind of made the day difficult for me and pushed me into some funk and depression. Had to do a lot of talking out loud to myself while driving to Westminster to get my replacement debit card from Elevations and things got somewhat better as I drove down to Linda Miller’s from there.

I seemed ok through explaining the current situation to Linda and then through dinner at Black Eyed Pea. Am sure that my limited eating was concerning to the very nice waiter who, I think, was mildly flirting with me. However, given that I am not eating well and getting most of my nutrition from protein drinks, it’s not surprising that the pouch has shrunk. Am okay overall with my physical health (as related to digestion and nutrition). Not great but ok. A plus side is that I’m down to 187 pounds which is happy-making for me in general although I do NOT recommend this method of weight loss to anyone. Jeans (both pairs) now very loose and the belt that P left me seems to have left with her. May check out ARC or Savers for some jeans and a belt tonight depending on how I feel (fatigue-wise and emotionally).

Talked again to P last night as I drove home from Linda’s. A much better talk. Asked questions that I thought might reassure me. Turns out that no matter what I ask and what the answers are, I am not reassured, which then tells me that the problem is with me and not with P. She tells me every single time I ask that she does not want to break up; she does not want to flush our relationship; thirteen years is not something to casually discard. She also reminds me that she is very hurt; I am very hurt. We need the time apart to heal ourselves so that we can return to working on us. I have cards and notes coming out of my ears that say the same thing.

Asked her to consider coming with me to the Depeche Mode concert. She had (yesterday morning) adamantly declined saying that it would feel like a date and there should be no dating right now. Furthermore, the tickets were purchased as an anniversary gift and why would we celebrate an anniversary if we weren’t together. That is probably what pushed me into the depression and funk. Also she told me that I had said I was going to take Jackie Bowser to the concert and why wasn’t I doing that? I explained (along with a fairly long explanation of the basis of my general behavior over the past six months and the preceding 2 years and how it declined) that I had said the words to hurt and that I had not asked anyone to go to the concert with me and would probably not even attend at all if she didn’t come with me. I said that (and perhaps it came off as being manipulative – note: will have to check on that with P) that I felt that going to the concert and going to Red Rocks in general was something that I had last done with P and really only wanted to do with her again. End result: P is going to think about going to concert with me. Honestly, this is the best that I can hope for. I hope that the month that goes by will endear her more towards going to the concert that not going to the concert. As an aside, I mentioned that I was very sad at the idea of not acknowledging our anniversary. P mentioned something (that I did not pounce on or ask for further clarification) that the day would not be unacknowledged. I find some hope in that statement.

Writing about this makes me cry and feel very sad. Am working to feel the pain but not focus exclusively on it. Use the pain as a reminder and a tool to help me when I don’t feel like working on my own problems. I at least say, out loud, that I am feeling insecure and am looking for reassurance. I have no idea if that makes a difference or not, but I think that saying it out loud is my way of acknowledging I feel something that is not nice, is painful, is hard to deal with. Maybe this is my way of ensuring awareness of my emotions and an attempt to not run away from them. I don’t know, but I do know how much I don’t know.