Submission

My answers are probably going to have a lot of contradictions and inconsistencies. Defining me is still a work in progress. What I can say is that I find happiness in submitting to another. I already know my psyche is inclined to and happy performing service work, which is why I work in Human Services and do the job that I do.

Type of sub: definitely submissive in the bedroom/behind closed doors. I am not a bottom as I want an exchange of power with my dominant: I want to be submissive to a dominant. I'm not at the point in which I feel I can surrender total control to another person although the idea fascinates and attracks me. I was serious that in many other parts of my life I am in charge, she who must be obeyed. I will not give that up and frankly cannot see me giving up total control and power to another person. I have a strong independent streak in me which makes me surrendering total control difficult. I have a career and friends/relationships that exist outside of a D/s relationship and are very equitable. And, all that being said, there is something so pleasurable to me and in me serving someone else. I like being ordered to perform and doing what someone wants without hesitation or question. I can and will submit willingly. I just don't know if I can do something like this more than occasionally and outside of the bedroom/behind closed doors.

All that being said, I still want to be fucked in every way possible while also providing the pleasure and service my dominant demands. I know I am a masochist and can tolerate a great deal of pain. I love the inner/mental quiet that comes after being beaten. I liked serving sexual sadists in that they can and have taken me to places I only dreamed about with orgasms that blew my socks off just by remembering.

How committed am I as a submissive? First, see the initial paragraph. Much of my life and chosen career paths are service-oriented and I derive intense pleasure from serving. I can't imagine *not* wanting to continue to serve and, by transitive, not continuing to want to be submissive. Sure I can take charge with the best of people. In my past relationship, if she did not/would not make a decision, I'd make it for her/us. But it's not something I liked or really wanted to do. If anything I would have preferred greater equality in decision making and frankly would have appreciated her taking charge more often. In fact, when I'm not topped in a relationship, I will take charge. It's something that apparently is in my genes as my sisters seem to do the same thing and so does my mother. Even so, it is not a source of contentment for me to do so. Finally, even in my "vanilla" encounters, I seem to gravitate towards finding out what my partner wants and working to provide that.