Talking to the ex and me moving

I was able to contact Pam and she's going to collect most of the things/furniture I don't take with me. Whatever else is left goes either to friends or to donation/dumpster. I have until the end of the month to be out completely.

All this occurred after weeks of texting, emailing, and phoning Pam with absolutely no response. I was again  forced to email her girlfriend (in hopes she would pass the message onto Pam) about my moving schedule and her ability to collect whatever furniture, household items, and books that were left. As a result I got a text message from Pam asking if she could call me and we ended up talking for at least an hour (probably more like two) yesterday. She tells me that she misses most of her emails and text messages. I think I would believe it if I'd heard of more people having this problem. It's so hard not to think that her behavior is intentional and that she actively avoids me. Really, when it all comes down to brass tacks, I don't believe her, which is one of many reasons why I would not want to reunite with her. It's a sad commentary after 13 years together.
The downside of talking to Pam is that I face the pain of what is over and must confront  and allow my feelings of grief. In talking to Pam I am working through my experiences and the changes I've wrought in the last six to twelve months, and the price for this is the crying and the depression. Crying I can handle, but the depression slows me down, robbing me of my initiative, and I simply can't afford that right now with so many things happening in the next three days. I need to finish packing, paint that one wall in my bedroom before the bed goes in, and be at the top of my game to wrangle the two sets of movers (regular furniture and waterbed). Not to mention getting UNpacked at the new place.

My marriage to Pam: I don't want to go back (seriously, NO) but I miss what used to be, who Pam used to be, and that there were at least 10 years of me being very happy with what I had. Now that I have more and different life experience, I don't want what would amount to a huge step backwards, but I miss odd things like the shorthand that couples develop, talking to someone who knows me well, and the companionship that is the natural result of living with someone for 13 years. I'm a crying fool, but I don't fight it, don't try to run away from it, and just let myself feel what I feel and be okay with the seeming dichotomy of I miss her but I don't want to get back together with her.

Talking with Pam is difficult. The humor we shared is still there, the shorthand still exists, the associations between a single word or phrase to a shared experience is blatantly obvious. I miss that. I miss the intimacy of someone knowing me so well as well as having such a long history/intimate knowledge of me, my mind, my body, and my spirit. At the same time, Pam said things like, "I still love you. I will always love you. But I was not the right person for you." That makes me so angry! It's a classic Borderline trait of invalidating someone else. I told her point blank that the statement was inappropriate (such a mild word for how pissed I was) and that it wasn't her place to validate or invalidate MY choice. It was my choice to be with her and I was supremely happy; sublimely happy with her for at least ten years, probably more. Although what I want now is very different, I was the one to choose to align myself with Pam, to choose the vanilla relationship that we had, to choose not to see other people and be monogamous with her, to accommodate her social anxiety, to work to teach her social skills, and to be the supportive partner for her incredibly low self esteem. It's particularly co-dependent of me (in 20/20 hindsight), but it worked for a very long time. And this is the past, not current times. Regardless, I was who I was. I am now who I am, which I certainly hope is mentally a LOT more stable, independent, and free than I used to be. But I'm probably deluding myself. We humans do that kind of thing and I admit I am superbly skilled in this area.

So, I listen to and experience my grief while trying to balance that with not getting sucked into a depressive and borderline void, decompensating, and generally taking steps backward/undoing the work of the past six months. One major reason I won't go back to Pam is that I don't like who I was. I don't like my dependent traits, I don't like how much I was paying in personal energy and strength to support someone who would not try to support herself. So I work to move forward in my life with the memories of what was the the hopes of what will be.

And, I have a really cute new apartment to move into and establish new memories. But I need to pack!